1.1 Perfect World

I never could have seen this far, I never could have seen this coming

It seems like my world’s falling apart, yeah

Why is everything so hard?

I don’t think that I can deal with the things you said just wont go away

{ authors note: big trigger warning for everyone who has/had an eating disorder. Unfortunately this trigger warning will remain for quite a few chapters so please read with caution }  

Chapter 1.1 

***

I never really thought i’d get to this point. The point of no return. 

It was suppose to be quick and harmless. Just a simple and easy method to lose weight, nothing more. But it went bad so quick, and now i’m here. Unable to stop.

But i’m not sick enough, not yet. So nobody will notice, nobody will care, nobody will take me seriously. And that’s why I wont tell, not yet. 

***

I opened my eyes, my phone alarm piercing the quite of my room.

I sluggishly rolled over and pressed the snooze button. I dropped my phone next to me and pushed my face into my still warm pillow. Breathing in the scent of my shampoo. I almost feel asleep but my second alarm brought me out of my sleepy daze and reluctantly I forced myself out of my warm bed. 

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I walked zombie like into my bathroom, the familiar black forming around my eyes, I had gotten so used to it that I barely noticed when it happened anymore.

This time was hard to ignore though and I had to grip onto the basin to stop myself from falling over. The coldness of the sink took some of the nausea away and eventually the dizzy spell passed too.

I took in a deep breath and resumed with my usual morning routine, showering, brushing my teeth, hair. I looked over at the scale and contemplated whether I should get on it or not, I bit my lip as I thought about what would happen if I didn’t lose any weight and eventually the reasonable part of my brain took over, and I managed pulled myself away from the scale before I change my mind. 

I slowly crept into the hall way, and hoped with everything in me that my father would still be asleep.

My dad’s an author of a very popular parent magazine and so he’s working hours are usually very unpredictable. Sometimes he would be up till 2am and then he would sleep for a few hours and wake up at 6am to resume writing. And his desk being right next to the front door meant that he would always see me the second I stepped into the living room.

And like all caring fathers, he would make me eat.

I peaked my head into the living room only to almost bump heads with my father who had chosen the exact same moment to peek down the hallway.

I stepped back and smiled nervously “Morning Daddy” 

I hardly ever used the word ‘daddy’ anymore, not unless I knew I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to, and this was one of those cases.   

My father raised his eyebrow “Morning Hollis” he replied, smiling his evil dad smile. “We’re you planning on eating breakfast?” Asked my dad, and I shook my head slightly, looking at the floor so I wouldn’t have to see his face.

“I’m not hungry, I’ll eat later” and at that moment my stomach decided to do one of its monstrous growls, completely giving me away. I would have punched myself in the stomach at the moment if it weren’t for my dad standing in front of me.

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“Uh huh, go eat. Now” demanded my dad, I  lowered my head and walked into the kitchen, I could feel his eyes on me and I turned around to glare at him.

My dad watched me pour the cereal and the milk into a bowl and then he turned away. I tapped my spoon on the bowl and listened for the typing of the keyboard. And when I heard it, I turned to the sink and dumped my cereal down the drain and left my bowl and spoon in the sink.

Nobody would ever know.

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The second I stepped out the front door, the cold air pierced my skin. I shivered and hugged my arms to my chest. It wasn’t even that cold out but to me it felt like a snow day.

This was another thing I did every morning, walk to school.

It wasn’t a very long walk and there were streetlights lighting the way so that’s why my parents didn’t mind much. My sister, Marjorie, used to take me to school when she still lived at home but last year she bought herself an apartment so she could be closer to her college, and all her friends.

***

School passed in it’s usual blur. I paid no attention and absolutely nobody noticed. Marjorie was the one who always got the attention, she was thin and smart and funny and so naturally the whole school knew her name and me, I was always just ‘Marjorie’s little sister’

I thought that when she graduated that people would start noticing me but nope, after Jo left I went from ‘Marjorie’s little sister’ to ‘Invisible’. And it never quite wore off no matter how hard I tried, whether I answered all the questions right or got them all wrong.

The only place where I ever stood out was at gymnastics. The other girls envied me for my flexibility and grace, never once have I not gotten gold at the end of a competition but I knew that everyone just noticed my talents and not actually me. I was ugly and fat, and I knew it, besides my talent, nobody ever looked at me. 

***

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A sound of applause came from the left side of the gymnasium just as I finished up my floor routine. I looked up and saw my sister and her best friend Kieran clapping and waving in my direction, I felt a blush creep up my face and had to duck my head as I walked over to them.

Kieran was looking right at me and I suddenly felt extremely aware of the fact that I was just wearing my gymnastic leotard. Kieran met my eyes with his and suddenly he looked away and at the other gymnasts who I knew were still practising.

Of course he would look at them, I’m invisible.

I faked a smile when I reached my sister, “You ready to go?” asked Marjorie. I nodded, and went to collect my bag before following her out the door.

We reached the car and I tried to open the door but it was still locked. I looked over at Jo, gesturing for her to open the car but she shook her head

“Kieran’s got the keys but he looks a-bit busy at the moment” laughed Jo.

Only then was I aware that Kieran was still inside, and I caught a glimpse of him talking to one of the other gymnasts. Jealousy made its way to my skin but it extinguished itself quickly, just like all my other emotions did.

I leaned against the car door and started playing with my sleeve. “That other girls looked huge next to you” laughed Jo, and I frowned in confusion.

“What?” I asked, moving my attention from my sleeve and to my sister. “We got here early and we were watching you practice. You’re so tiny that everyone else looked huge next to you. God even I feel huge next to you” my sister laughed nervously and I looked at myself in the reflection of the gymnasiums huge glass windows. I could see I was much thinner than my sister but I wasn’t that thin, I scrunched up my face trying to force myself to see what Jo sees but I had no luck, sure my collar bones we’re visible and I could see the point of my ribcage through my leotard but I wasn’t necessarily thin, not yet anyway.

“I don’t see it” I answered quietly, I met my sisters eyes in the window and she looked sad.

“Are you okay?” she asked, not pulling her eyes away from mine. I nodded and suddenly my sister was hugging me, and when she pulled away I saw her face was wet with tears.

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“Are you okay?” I asked and she nodded, wiping her face. “Hey, what’s with the crying?” joked Kieran while walking over to us. My sister laughed in return.

“I’ll tell you later” she answered.

Warning bells went off in my head as we all climbed into the car. What could it be that Jo was going to tell Kieran later? Why couldn’t she just tell him now, in-front of me? 

***

I waved goodbye at Jo and Keiran as I stepped out the car, we had stopped for ice-cream on the way home but I refused to eat any of it and me and my sister ended up fighting. Eventually Kieran broke up the fight and by this point my ice cream had turned into a milkshake and so I was able to get away with not eating any of it. 

And as sick as it may be, I felt proud. I had managed to skip both Breakfast and Lunch for more than a month now and nobody had noticed. It was saddening, that nobody cared enough to notice but at this point I no longer wanted them to notice me. I was dropping weight like nobody’s business and that’s all that mattered to me and I never wanted to stop. 

I walked through the front door, and unfortunately I was to far back in my head to immediately notice what I was walking into. It was only when I was sat at the kitchen table, with my fork in hand and a plate of spaghetti in front of me, did I notice what’d had happened, what’d I’d done. 

I froze, my fork halfway to my mouth. I swallowed and sure enough, I tasted the spaghetti that I’d just eaten. I looked down at my plate to see how much I’d eaten and saw that I was nearly finished with all my food.

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No, no no no no. I dropped my fork onto my plate which startled both my parents. I hadn’t even realised they we’re here. 

“Are you okay?” Asked my mom. I met her eyes and she looked so worried. “Why does everyone keep asking me that?” I snapped, and my mom flinched. 

“Don’t snap at your mother. We’re worried about you Hollis” my dad looked at me with the same look of concern on his face that my mom had. 

“Well just leave me alone!” I shouted, my voice breaking. I scraped my chair back and ran to my room, slamming the door behind me. 

I dropped onto my bed and put my head in my hands. Tears we’re streaming down my face and I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I’d eaten.

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To much, that’s all i know, I ate too much. I didn’t plan it, I was just going to go to bed, but I got so hungry and I couldn’t even control my self. A loud chock noise escaped out my mouth and I had to bite down on my tongue to stop myself from wailing out loud. 

My heart was racing in my chest and my stomach hurt. I felt full and disgusting and weak, so so weak. I stood up from my bed, knowing that I could exercise, burn everything I’d eaten. But standing up so quick made me black out temporarily so I knew exercise wasn’t an option. 

It was then that my eye caught the my bathroom door standing ajar. I could get rid of the food. I bit my lip, knowing that that’s not a good idea. I promised myself I’d never do that, but I couldn’t stop. I had to. 

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And before I could think properly, I slammed the bathroom door and hoped that my parents wouldn’t hear me. 


In a perfect world this could never happen
In a perfect world youd still be here
And it makes no sense, I could just pick up the pieces
But to you this means nothing, nothing at all

{Author Note: Hello I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, and please give me feedback, all and any feedback is welcome (cinnamon roll, positive, negative, troll)

Anything would be appreciated! Thank you again for taking your time to read my legacy}